Minister of Health Leo Varadkar, no small irony once Minister for Tourism, has declared war on the Irish Restaurant industry and in particular on Irish chefs.
Restaurant owners and chefs may have thought that with the enacting of last years legislation requiring them to list 14 different allergens on their menus that Minister Varadkar’s crusade would move on to another target. They were wrong, it’s 2015, he’s back and this time he intends to do real damage, so chefs…brace yourselves for the coming storm. Broad Hint of what’s going to be annoying the hell out of you this year: LeoVaradkar is planning on making you count every calorie on every dish you serve, we’ll get back to this later after we’ve vented our spleens a bit more. In any case, before I bring you this rant in full, I have my own professional obligation to fulfill and that’s to remind you that when we’re not foaming at the mouth in a fury about a hyper regulatory, publicity seeking, narcissist we’re in the business of Catering Recruitment and endeavour to offer the finest quality chef jobs, or at least the best ones we can get our hands on. Now, commercial interlude over, back to the meat of savaging this proposed stupidity.
Leo’s Own High Calorie Addiction
Although Minister Varadkar is a leading member of a cabinet which has shown little inclination to curb its own high calorie cravings, overspending for one – they fund an annual budget deficit of €6 Billion plus (through borrowings), while burdening us with a vertigo inducing debt to GDP ratio of 172% (in contrast, Greece’s debt to GDP ratio is a rather shapely 100%) he’s messianic in his belief that he’s the go to guy to cure the everyday slob, that’s us, of our addictions.
Leo’s Healthful, Unhelpful, Advice To Chefs – WORK HARDER
But before he gets there he has a cunning plan to make one of the hardest and most demanding jobs, ahem, harder. So who is in Leo’s sights this time? Yup, a favourite target of Leo’s, chefs.
But see he doesn’t really have it in for chefs, oh no, he’s just worried that you are making Irish people fat. Yeah, because this is a guy so divorced from everyday, common, reality (a frequent affliction affecting those who “hold office”) that he actually believes most Irish people dine out with the same frequency an overpaid government minister, like Leo, does. Thanks for your concern Minister, really you’re too kind, but charity begins at home and your department eats up close to 20% of annual government spending and between 70% – 90%, of that 20%, flows straight out the door on salaries and pensions. Now we know fixing that would be:
- actual hard work
- important
- troublesome and
- YOUR JOB!
Do Your Job Minister – Especially The Difficult Bits
We know this, but, respectfully, it looks like you don’t so can we perhaps suggest that you might busy yourself at least trying to get your own house in order before you come to the catering industry with a wrecking ball in a, sadly, successful attempt to keep yourself in the media spotlight.
A Rightly Hostile Reception From The Hospitality Industry
We posted a piece from the Irish Examiner on our Facebook page about this, latest boondoggle, the other day and it caught fire pretty quickly and while we (actually me) got caught in the ensuing crossfire, in the comments section, none of those comments (occasionally a bit snarky I must admit) really do justice to the argument(s) against Minister Varadkar’s latest initiative to hog the headlines.
So I thought I’d take another, lengthier swing at it here today. Please keep going, I haven’t even got warmed up yet.
Only One Man Knows The ‘Correct’ Price Of A Pint
And, of course, that man is Minister Leo, who else? Salvo one for 2015 is fresh out of the gun and that’s been the Minister’s decision that, when it comes to the price of a drink, neither vendors nor consumers know the right price, but Leo does, that’s why as, Minister Varadkar, he is going to impose his own price, i.e. “the correct price”. To be specific this means that a bottle of wine could not legally be sold for less than €8.80 and a can of beer for less than €2.20.
The Unbearable Lightness Of Ministerial Office
Such trifling sums amount, no doubt, to a mere snip in the monied circles in which Minister Varadkar moves, but, one presumes he presumes, amount to a sufficient deterrent to make the average working class schlep think twice before ordering that six pack of tinnies. [The Minister’s classist contempt for the working stiffs of Irelands’ thirst for, the occasional, affordable indulgence couldn’t have been clearer were he to sport a molecule and a silver handled cane, while applying the lash to the back of his rickshaw driver]
Newry Bound Again – Just Like The Old Days
Or at least the average working class schlep who doesn’t know how to find their way to Newry might be denied, but the rest of us serfs, at least those still with cars, will be high tailing it to Newry once again thanks to Leo; another boon to local businesses, i.e. businesses which are local in Newry.
Puritanical Obsessions Are Always Totalitarian
Minister Varadkar’s obsessional fixation with the idea that he’s the guy who knows what’s good for us, and who’s going to bloody well make sure we get the message, puts me in mind of this C.S. Lewis classic:
Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron’s cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.
– C. S. Lewis
Commercial Interruption
It’s with at least some regret that I must interrupt this non-commercial outburst with a common sense appeal to chefs: Chefs now that you’re here don’t leave without uploading your chef CV/Resume here.
Varadkar’s Bootleggers Charter
So having demonstrated that he’s learned nothing from the bootleggers charter that has been the Government’s overpricing of tobacco products (thanks a million for helping the organised crime guys) Leo is now back with his master plan to gift an industry that, from the mid 90’s onwards has been creaking under a tonnage of new compliance standards, just what it really needs, even more compliance standards, this time in the shape of a demand, which will of course be enforced by monopoly state power, that chefs get busy calculating calories for every dish on their menus.
Daddy What ‘Was’ A Chefs Special?
And that means chefs specials and daily menu’s too, although I’m still trying to work out how the chefs at Buswells Hotel intend to manage Leo appetites at the hotel carvery without falling foul of either the law, or Leo. A mini drama is sparked in the mind’s eye, one of Leo trying to “game” the carvery chef sometime in the wake of #CalorieGate being made law:
Leo Does Carvery
Chef to Leo: Minister would you like the optional 40CL of gravy with that?
Leo to Chef: not before you give me another slice of that braised topside, it looks SSsssoooooo “moreish”
Chef to Leo: Minister you know I’d love to, but that would be in breach of the calorie laws, our customer advisory on that dish is 800 calories.
Leo to Chef: go away outta that would ya chef, I won’t tell anyone if you don’t, nudge, nudge, wink, wink
Not Every ‘Good’ Needs To Be Mandatory
I’d hate for you to think that because I’m against legislating for enforced calorie counts on restaurant menus that I’m anti health, or in some way repulsed by “La bella figura,” or even against calorie counts on menus. I’m not. I’m as enamoured of these things to at least the same degree as Minister Varadkar. I’m just slightly less enamoured of coercion than Minister Varadkar.
Government proposals for Calories on Menus in Restaurants impossible to implement. http://t.co/4n9yZUtpUi #mediahq #caloriesmenus
— Adrian Cummins (@adriancummins) February 9, 2015
This Isn’t Thalidomide, It Isn’t Even HACCP
Perspective please Minister. I’m sure everyone fully supports any restaurant that wants to feature calorie counts on menus doing exactly that. A decent number already are, in fact I think I can say, without fear of contradiction, that there are now more menus in Ireland with calorie counts included than at any time in history. It seems to be something of a trend, at least in some businesses. And if consumers come to regard this as an important component of the dining experience I’m sure we’ll see more. Minister Varadkar need do nothing, supply and demand will take care of things.
The Era Of Zero Labeling And Slimmer Hips
However in acknowledging that menus, ones with calorie counts highlighted, are much more common than at any time in the past we’re faced with a troubling conundrum. In the past people were less obese too. Could it be that putting calorie counts on menus has made people fatter? At the expense of taking a, rather tempting, cheap shot I’ll forgo the pleasure and I will allow that calorie counts on menus almost certainly aren’t responsible for increased obesity but good luck with mounting any argument, at least any argument that’d pass the laughter test, that they’re an effective tool against this scourge of obesity.
Confusing ‘Nice’ With ‘Must’
Over the last quarter of a century there have been such huge societal shifts in how Irish people live, work, have families etc that pinpointing the exact cause of increased obesity is a complex and potentially error prone, ahem (pun warning), exercise. While I am willing to concede that calories on menus might, might, be desirable they very much fall under the “nice to have” category rather than the “must have” category.
A Modest Proposal
However if Minister Varadkar is really serious about ending obesity in Ireland here is a list of measures which would certainly have a greater impact on the problem than listing calories on menus ever will. Before you let your eye wander down this list I’d like to make clear that these are not measures I’m advocating but merely measures that would, if enforced, truly lower obesity levels in Ireland
[disclaimer: although my tongue is firmly in cheek here I did hesitate before compiling this list because once a busybody, publicity seeking, politician gets a taste for “doing good,” while looking good, they’re capable of anything and the last thing I want is to give the Minister anymore stupid, irksome ideas)
A Laughable Anti-Obesity Manifesto – But It’s Less Laughable Than Leo’s
- Children must walk to school, just like they did in the old days. Parents who live within a 2.5KM radius of schools found driving their children to school to be the subject of an on the spot fine and 20 press-ups to be executed on the hard shoulder, or footpath.
- People caught driving to work who are found to live within a 4.5KM radius of their place of employment to be the subject of an on the spot fine and 40 tummy-crunches [to be executed on the hard shoulder, or footpath], as will be any passengers found to be traveling with them. Good for you, whether you like it or not, good for the environment, and good for your passengers.
- All game consoles to have a government approved kill switch which is triggered after 35 minutes gaming.
- Employers to be given an 18 month period to replace all “sitting desks” with standing desks
- Home Economics to become a mandatory subject in schools for all pupils regardless of gender (here they can get themselves a clue about calories instead of the government kicking the responsibility to educate them down the road to already hard pressed private sector restaurants, it’s not as if education isn’t costing us enough already, how about some value Leo?)
- Family Calorie Allowance Club Cards: Through a public-private sector partnership the government spearheads the creation of a universal family grocery card incorporating many of the advantage of preexisting supermarket loyalty card programs but with “Leo optimised” family calorie rationing. Once you hit your family’s calorie ceiling it becomes illegal for any vendors to sell to you for the rest of that week. What should this ration limit be? Search me, but Leo probably knows, he seems to know everything else. Anyway it’s not as if most obese people get most of their obesity in restaurants, I should know, I’ve gotten obese in my own kitchen which is awash in products with big serious, scary calorie labels.
- Reintroduce Corporal Punishment In Schools: Later, obese, generations really don’t know what they missed. A good daily salutary trashing burns those calories off tubby pupils like nothing else and for middle aged teachers it’s a real boon, fewer sassy pupils mouthing off to them, and a suite of, solid, refreshing, aerobic, interval workouts, satisfyingly interspersed throughout the day. Standing desks all round, and lower rates of ADHD almost overnight, what’s not to like?
- All TV Sets to have a government kill switch. The switch is triggered to knock the signal out after 30 minutes continuous viewing but comes back on after a 8 minute “exercise period.” It’s envisaged that a majority of viewers will use these breaks to lose their tempers and rant, both of which involve movement and serious calorie burn. An exception to this rule will be that those viewers patriotic enough to be watching “Government TV” i.e. RTE (another thing you’ll pay for, whether you like it or not) who can enjoy uninterrupted viewing in the national interest. It’s also the best station to catch a glimpse of Minister Leo, wholesome viewing for the entire family.
- Make it illegal for Taxi’s to pick up fares for distances less then 4.5KM during daylight hours or 3KM after dark.
- On the job callisthenics. All employers to set aside a space, and time, for supervised employee callisthenics. Apparently this works very well in North Korea, a country which could teach us a thing or two about staying in shape.
- All boys and girls between the ages of 10 – 14 to take on a compulsory milk (skimmed only) round or paper round.
- The cat doesn’t get the cream anymore, cream to be banned along with cats. Leo doesn’t like cats. (I simply made that last bit up, for all I know Leo’s known to his close friends as Leo “Catman” Varadkar)
KOREAN STYLE – NO OBESITY HERE MINISTER
Okay, I admit I lost a bit of disciple with that list and found myself veering towards absurdity, but let’s take one of the less amusing, and more practical, examples slightly more seriously:
Compulsory Home Economics
What would be ridiculous about that? Is it not more ridiculous that the Irish state education system turns out tens of thousands of young adults every year who are, by the government’s own account, utterly ignorant about nutrition, or, to coin a phrase, “nutritionally illiterate?” That’s on you Minister, it’s on you and it’s on your Government colleagues and no amount of kicking the responsibility down the hill to others is going to change that.
Here’s how ignorant and incompetent Minister Varadkar believes the average product of the Irish education system is, in his words:
“Giving calorie details on menus is a very simple but effective way of encouraging people to choose a healthier option,” he said. “Food options can be ‘deceptive.’ Some salads contain more calories than a burger meal. But if we make the information clearly available, at the very least people can make an informed choice.”
Minister Varadkar is right, food options can be deceptive but only if you know absolutely nothing about nutrition or food. Anyone with the foggiest knows that the calories ramp up when you choose ‘Ranch” or “Blue Cheese” dressing instead of, for example, Vinaigrette and those crispy bacon toppers are, would you believe it, fattening.
We will NEVER put #caloriesonmenus in @OnePicoDublin or @_the_Greenhouse it’s nonsensical, ridiculous & impractical pic.twitter.com/fgUsjWWomO
— Eamonn O’Reilly (@_EamonnOReilly) February 7, 2015
In a country where so much of our wealth is in agriculture and tourism (read: dining) isn’t it an indictment on the failures of government, yes government, not restaurants, not hotels, not lunch counters, not chefs, but government, that this government turns out second level graduates who are utterly clueless about the basics of nutrition? Unfortunately, as anyone who’s worked in the catering and hospitality sector knows all too well, shit flows downhill and it now the job of chefs to pay for yet another government deficit, a gaping deficit in the basic education of young Irish people.
Is This Leo Varadkar’s Water Charges Moment?
It certainly should be. Adrian Cummins (Chief Executive, Restaurants Association of Ireland) hasn’t wasted time in mounting a push back and other industry voices, Derry Clarke (of L’Evrivan) and Eamon O’Reilly (One Pico, The Greenhouse and others) have been fast out the gates too, but I hope this isn’t an issue to be trucked and traded upon, with some fudged compromise the outcome, but rather I hope this is the catering industry’s Water Chargers moment! If there’s to be ‘talks’ with the Minister on this subject then I, respectfully, suggest that the hospitality and catering side of the table restrict themselves to one word: No!
The Best Little Country In the World To Do Business
Enda Kenny, Leo’s boss (at least nominally) is on the record as saying that he’s dedicated to making Ireland “the best little country in the world to do business,” well if he is, it’s patently clear that Leo never got the memo. Let’s hope Mr. Cummins, with the help and support of everyone with a dog in this fight, can mount the type of pushback that’ll send Leo scurrying to find an easier victim to pick on, or, perish the thought, maybe he’ll finally get down to sorting out the HSE, although I won’t hold my breath waiting on that one.
Stop Passing The Buck Minister
Meanwhile Minister, word of advice, quit passing the buck, talk to your cabinet colleagues about education initiatives that’ll equip young Irish adults with the rudiments of a clue about food and nutrition; do that and you won’t have to shaft an entire industry simply because it’s the easy thing to do while trying to make yourself look good. Forget, for once, about “looking good” go out and do some actual good instead. And if you want to know what a good hard honest days (and nights) work feels like, go take a few shifts in a kitchen, when you’re done I guarantee you won’t be dreaming up legislation to make chefs lives more miserable.
An Open Invitation To Leo
BTW Leo, what are you doing on the summer break? You know that big huge hole in the calendar when parliament shuts down for the entire summer? If you’re stuck for some ideas give us a shout, and we’ll be more than delighted to organise some work experience in some of Irelands better kitchens for you. You’ll come out of the experience with a grasp of the real world [which will give you a leg up on most professional Irish politicians], slimmer (that’s a promise) and much less inclined to waste your time, and everyone else’s, devising ways of making other peoples lives more difficult. Maybe you might even find it a humbling experience, I know, I know, that really would be a stretch.
